Stay

Tonight Jack told me something he has said a few times before: "Mommy, I want to stay a kid."

I've always been superstitious about saying I want my kids to stay little forever, because there is only one heartbreaking way that wish could ever come true.  The events of this past week brought that horrifically home.

I've asked him why he wants to stay a kid, and he told me it's because he really likes playing.  There is a part of me that is so touched that he is having a happy childhood, that leaving home (and his mother) is not something he is looking forward to doing.  But I also tell him that growing up has its benefits.  I told him that tonight.

"Like what?" he asked.

"When you're grown up," I told him, "you can go to sleep whenever you want, you can eat whatever you want, you can drink whatever you want.  You can do almost anything you want.  Within reason."

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"Well," I said, "you have to follow the rules."

"Yeah," he said.  "Like you can't kill anyone."

I felt a shiver pass through me.

"Right," I said, "you can't kill anyone.  Or do anything that's against the law."

"Mom?" he asked.  "Why do people use guns to kill people?"

I felt another shiver.

"Most people don't have guns to kill people," I said.

"Then why do they have them?" he asked.

"People have guns for lots of different reasons," I said.

"Like what?"

"Some people keep them for protection, some use them to go hunting --"

"What's hunting?"

"It's when they shoot animals for food," I said.

"But why do they shoot people?" he asked.

"Well, sometimes it's an accident," I said.

"Like how?"

"Like if someone thinks someone is going to hurt them, and they shoot their guns hoping to scare them or just injure them but then they accidentally kill them.  And you know the police have guns so that they can keep themselves and other people safe."

I was totally grasping, but I realized I did want to make an important point.

"Some people have guns in their home because they think it will help keep them safe," I told him.  "I personally will never have a gun in our home, because I think the risk of having something go wrong is so much higher if you have a gun around."

"Yeah," Jack said.  "Like if you have an accident, you could really hurt yourself.  You could hurt yourself so bad that you can die.  So if you have a gun, you have to be really trained to use it so that you don't have any accidents.  You have to be like a policeman."

"Right," I said.

I'll be honest, the entire conversation was kind of giving me the creeps, especially considering that we had made a conscious decision not to tell the kids what happened in Connecticut.

"Jack, why are you asking about guns?  Did someone say something to you today?"

"No, I just have all these thoughts in my head," he said.

Then he suddenly, thankfully, switched the subject to - what else? - Star Wars Legos.

A few moments later, we were talking about going to school in the morning.

"There's a part of me that is tempted to keep you home this week," I told him.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I'm having so much fun with you at home," I said, trying not to tear up.

"But, Mom," he protested, "I'll miss my perfect attendance award."

"You're right," I said.  "I guess we'll have to take you to school this week after all."

Of the 20 children who died on Friday, 16 were six years old, the same age Jack is now.  I have to not think about that too much, or I may never send him to school again.