I tell them often that I feel that they are both ticking time bombs, that this period of peace and fun feel fleeting to me. Violet is 8 and in the third grade, which is the age that I remember a lot of drama starting with Jack's female classmates. Jack is 12 and just started his first year of middle school. I feel that puberty can hit him at any moment. But for now, Violet is still very much a little girl. Her biggest motivator at school is that she can bring her favorite stuffed animal to class if she amasses enough reward tickets. She still loves to snuggle and will spontaneously tell me, "I love you, Mommy. You're the best."
Jack is old enough now to carry on mature conversations. He gets more of my jokes. He and I have very similar sensibilities and senses of humor, so spending time with him is easy and enjoyable. He is still sweet enough that he will come up to me and randomly give me a hug, and he is still proud that I am active at his school. I am not delusional enough to think that there won't be a time when he will be too embarrassed or "cool" to keep this up, so I'm trying to enjoy every second of it while it lasts. One big difference between us is that he has so many different interests and hobbies. It keeps us busy, but it's wonderful to see him so enthusiastic about so many things.
Most importantly, though, besides how fun they are, my children are good kids. They do well in school - Jack has straight A's, and Violet's teachers love her. Violet in particular is kind and sweet; she always befriends the kids that other children don't like, who adults find to be behavior problems. She sees past all that and will tell me, "He's nice. I like him." Otherwise, though, she is an excellent judge of character. Her favorite friends tend to be the smartest, most well-behaved kids, and I'm so happy to see that. Jack is getting to an age where he sees his friends making bad choices, and we talk a lot about the consequences of various decisions that he will be facing. We have thoughtful discussions about the ramifications of choices regarding drugs, taking stupid dares, bullying, behaving disrespectfully to teachers, video games, and more.
There was an incident relatively recently that was both a sad and proud moment for me. A really good friend of Jack's has been going through some behavior issues. This child was involved in an incident where he impulsively hurt another kid, and Jack witnessed it. Our friend's mom said that her son said it was an accident while the other child said that it was intentional. I told her Jack told me that it was intentional. The next day, Jack said his friend asked why he told me what really happened. Jack told him, "My mom asked me, and I'm not going to lie to her." The other kid said, "Why not? Who cares about one little lie?" And Jack said, "I'm not risking my word with my mom to lie for you about this." I asked Jack afterward if he felt bad that his friend may have gotten in trouble because of what he told me, and he said, "Honestly, I feel bad that I don't feel bad." He's worried about his friend, and he is hoping that something will be done to bring this formerly nice kid back to his old self.
This Christmas season has been interesting. We got Violet a bike and Jack some Nike tennis shoes. Jack has been starting to notice that a lot of the kids that he knows are "spoiled." He tells me that there are kids who have $150 basketball shoes when they don't even play basketball. He said another kid had $450 shoes that everyone assumed were fake. He told me that one of the kids that he hangs out with asked him if he was poor. The kid said, "You live in a big house, right? Why do you wear those shoes?" And Jack was very matter-of-fact. He said, "My mom doesn't really care about shoes." And he didn't tell me this in a way where he was complaining that I was cheaping out on his shoes. We buy him name brand shoes that he likes, but I definitely only buy him one pair at a time and make sure that he outgrows or wears them out before he gets a new pair. He was honestly thrilled with his present.
He knows that he is different than his friends in that we don't give them unfettered access to video games or TV. I've talked to him about this a lot, and he tells me that he doesn't really mind. He likes playing video games, and he gets to do to it when he's at his friends' houses. But he also recognizes how it affects their behavior. He sees the punishment model that goes on in those houses, where the kids have to either earn screen time with good behavior or have it taken away with bad behavior, and he says he's glad that's not how it is at our house. I've asked him if he ever regrets that we don't watch TV, and he said not really. The only time he cares is when a particular Internet meme is going around that he doesn't really know about, but he says he catches up pretty quickly.
And yes, I'm knocking on wood.
So my hope for 2019 is that it will be much the same as 2018 for my kids and me. Of course, I want them to continue to grow up but not away from me just yet. I know puberty is on its way for them both. I remember there being a bit of a rough patch with Jack in terms of behavior when he turned 9, so I'm bracing myself for that with Violet. I've seen formerly sweet and kind children turn sullen and mean as they hit pre-adolescence, so I'm steeling myself for that possibility with Jack. I hope that if and when any behavior changes occur that I can remember to not take it personally but with humor and understanding so that we can all emerge on the other side with our relationships as loving as ever.
Highlights from 2018:
- Our trip to China in March. This was an amazing trip. The kids and I went with a bunch of families from Jack's 5th grade class as a capstone experience to their time at a Mandarin immersion elementary school. I was so proud at how well the kids spoke Mandarin. It was particularly amusing when I would have Jack translate for me. Everyone expected that I would be the one who could speak the language, and he would always have to explain to them that, no, I didn't understand anything they were saying. The one bummer of this trip is that I got really sick. I'm never sick, but someone came on to the tour with the flu, and it went through the group. I ended up having to go to a Chinese emergency room the day before my birthday and then had to miss seeing the Terracotta Warriors on my birthday. It was a bummer, but the hospital visit ended up being a memorable story in itself. But otherwise, this was a once in a lifetime experience, and it was so fun that all my favorite parents from Jack's class came with us.
- Baseball! Jack's travel baseball team started 2018 by winning the MLK tournament up in Palm Springs. We had had to miss this tournament the year before because Jack broke his ankle. To be able to have this experience and then win besides was so much fun. Then Jack made the All-Star team for his rec league, and this team went further than they ever have before. They won the banner in Sectionals and then advanced from Regionals to Super Regions. Even though they didn't advance out of Super Regions, the kids all played so well. We were so proud of them. Jack's PE coach is currently holding baseball clinics for the middle schoolers. Rumor has it that the coach is in line to take over the high school team and wants to start a prep team, so it's very encouraging that Jack's been invited to participate in these clinics.
- As I mentioned, Violet is in third grade and Jack is in sixth grade in his first year of middle school. This is the first time that Violet has ever had teachers that had Jack before, and it's just been so easy and chill. Violet's English teacher was Jack's teacher last year, and her Mandarin teacher was his third grade Mandarin teacher. I was very flattered when her Mandarin teacher told me at Violet's parent-teacher conference: "You are actually the best. You help us, but also you have really good kids." Jack's transition to middle school has been pretty easy. He is thrilled to no longer be in elementary school The Mandarin program needs some work, but overall, he likes his classes and he's making a ton of new friends. Middle school is interesting, because they have this thing called Power School, which lets me see the grades he gets on every assignment and test. So I know if he has forgotten to hand in an assignment or if he hasn't studied for a test, which are things I never knew in elementary school. On the other hand, he is hanging out with a bunch of kids that I know I will never ever meet. I just have to trust that I'm giving him the skills to recognize who will be good friends.
- Violet is taking a bunch of after school enrichment courses this year. There is a cooking class, which we knew that she would love. She had taken a sewing class that she also really enjoyed. The best surprise for me, though, was that she loved this wood shop class I had her take. She is a tougher cookie than Jack when it comes to finding things that interest her, so I was so pleased when she loved this. She also took guitar and chorus classes over the summer. She has been continuing guitar lessons with Tom, and she and I regularly sing Broadway songs together.
- Speaking of Broadway, the kids and I took in a bunch of Broadway shows this year. We saw "Hamilton" last January. Honestly, that was a bit of a disappointment. I didn't love the cast that we saw. The highlight was that we sat in front of Andy Blankenbuehler, who is the choreographer for the show. He was in town to check in on the dancers, and I happened to recognize him because I'm a big nerd. We saw "Les Miserables" in May. Jack loved it, and he said that's been his favorite show that we've seen. I really liked it too, but I was disappointed that the new production completely restaged it. There was no turntable, and the climactic battle scene was less emotionally stirring than the original production. They seemed to have borrowed a lot of elements from the film version. Overall, the staging was more elaborate but less impressive, if that makes sense. Violet and I saw "Wicked" in November. I had been reluctant to see it, because I had seen it once already and was underwhelmed. But Violet wanted to go, because she had learned a bunch of the songs in her chorus class. This iteration of it was so good. The cast was great, and it made such a difference. Violet said this was her favorite show that we've seen.
- Jack was invited to join a travel soccer team last year, but we were not able to make the practice schedule work for us. I was so bummed to have to quit, but we were placed on a rec team that ended up having a lot of kids who go to Jack's school on it. They were such a nice group of kids. Jack was one of the youngest, but he made a bunch of 7th and 8th grade friends because of this team. Jack also joined his school's cross country team, and he was among the top finishers in his grade at the two cross country meets.
- One thing I really appreciate about Jack is that he will read almost any book that I put before him. He obviously can bail on something if he doesn't like it, but I know his tastes well enough to know what he might find interesting. At the start of the summer, I got him books from a series called the Warriors, which are about clans of cats (yes, like kittycats). He loved them. There are six different series, each with five or six books, plus a bunch of different super editions, companion books, and novellas. All told, there are probably more 50 books. Jack read every single one of them over the summer. At one point, he was averaging about a book a day, and these are 300+ page books. It's been so fun to see him so engaged.
Things to look forward to in 2019:
- Our big trip is going to be to Cooperstown at the end of August. Jack's travel baseball team has an opportunity to participate in a weeklong baseball camp near the Baseball Hall of Fame. We are currently trying to work out the logistics of combining this with a trip to Baltimore and/or Connecticut.
- Jack is going to science camp at the end of January.
- Violet is turning 9, which is the age where Jack became a voracious reader. I'm hoping a similar switch flips for her this year. She likes to read, but she doesn't LOVE it the way that Jack does. She reads, but the books that she reads tend to be very easy and fluffy. Generally speaking, Jack reads really good books, because he lets me curate his reading selections. Violet is a lot pickier. At this point, I'd rather have her reading than not, but overall, I would like to see a step-up in the complexity and richness of the books that she reads. I'm hoping this is the year.
Happy New Year!
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