Updates from Jack and Violet

Stop me if I've told you this story before... :P

There is a boy in Jack's preschool class that he always talks about. Jack doesn't tell me much about his day when he's at preschool, but the one thing he does talk about is all the tricks that he and W do on the playground. He tells me that he and W are the biggest boys in their class. They are, but W is huge for his age - I thought he was one of the students' 7-year-old brother when I first saw him - and Jack is nine months younger than him. The way Jack talks about this child, you would think that they are bosom buddies. I asked Jack if he wanted to have a playdate with W outside of school, and of course he said yes.

We met W and his nanny at a local park. Almost from the beginning, it was clear to me how little the two boys have in common. Jack immediately grabbed a little twig off the ground and said, "This is a candle!" Playing birthday party is a favorite game of his, probably because he goes to so many. W told him, "No, it's not. That's a stick!"

I told W, "Jack sometimes likes to pretend that he's at a birthday party, and that stick is his candle."

W told me, "I don't like to play games like that. I like 'Star Wars' better. I have a Wii game that has light sabers."

Jack's eyes got really big and round. "Real light sabers?" he asked.

"No," scoffed W, "pretend light sabers. There are no such things as real light sabers. 'Star Wars' is a movie. 'Indiana Jones' is a movie. 'Batman' is a movie."

I could tell Jack was getting confused. He has never seen "Star Wars." He has played with the plastic light sabers at his friends' houses, but he doesn't know what "Star Wars" (or "Indiana Jones" or "Batman" for that matter) is.

The rest of the playdate was pretty much like that. Aside from the fact W is nearly five, he also has an older brother. It's amazing what a difference even just nine months can make at this age, and I admit that I have intentionally sheltered Jack from some things. I like that he still has that baby-like innocence about a lot of things.

But it was hard to watch in the context of this playdate. Here is a boy that Jack clearly looks up to, whom he admires very much. And I'd heard a lot about W from Jack's teacher: how kind he is, how caring he is. While he wasn't mean, he was more blunt than I was expecting.

At one point, I was asking him about his friends in preschool. He mentioned that he liked playing with the boys in his class. He said that one boy, B was his best friend in the school. I asked about another boy, N, and he said, no, he wasn't really his friend.

"What about Jack?" I asked.

"He's my friend," said W, "but he's not my best friend."

Then he ran to the other side of the park where Jack was and told him, "You're not my best friend."

I could see a look of hurt and confusion flit across Jack's face.

The one thing that was good about this playdate was that W talked a lot, and I learned a lot about what goes on at preschool from him. Jack is not very forthcoming about his time away from me at all. I also learned the genesis of some of Jack's favorite catch phrases.

One thing that Jack has been saying to us quite frequently is, "How do you know?" whenever we tell him anything. It's very irritating. I've told him that I don't like it and that I don't want to hear it anymore. At this playdate, W kept asking his nanny, "How do you know?" about everything.

The other thing is that W is very competitive, which is probably just the age. However, Jack is exasperatingly competitive about so many trivial things, and he's a sore loser to boot. W brought his Razor scooter to the park, and we had brought Jack's bike. Jack was much faster on his bike than W was on the scooter. W started weaving these elaborate excuses why.

"My scooter doesn't have training wheels. You need a lot more strengths to ride a scooter than you do to ride a bike with training wheels. So really I won."

Throughout the entire playdate, W kept wanting to do really physical things that Jack was either too small or too fearful to do. It was hot that day, and Jack mostly wanted to play pretend games in the sand in the shade. W made it clear that he thought that was too babyish for him.

At one point, Jack picked up what turned out to be an old Popsicle stick in another attempt to play birthday party. W started getting upset. His nanny was trying to calm him down.

"But he's picking up garbage!" yelled W.

I felt sad for Jack that the playdate wasn't going as well as we had both hoped. I could tell that he sensed it even if he didn't really seem to understand it. He never ever asks to end a playdate, but he told me wanted to leave this one relatively early on. More than once.

I wish that I could protect Jack from every hurt and sense of rejection as he goes through life. He is so sensitive and prone to such friend crushes. I ache for him when his admiration is not reciprocated. I wish I could snap my fingers and instantly give him the ability to gauge a social situation, to know how best to engage his friends, and to also "love the one you're with." There are clearly kids at his school who seek him out. He is one of only three children in his class that another boy has invited to his party (and W was not among the three). I also see other kids calling to him when I drop him off. But he only ever talks about W.

My one consolation was that several hours after we had come home, I asked Jack if he had fun. He said he had. I asked him if he wanted to have a playdate with W again. He said he did. Hopefully this means that he forgot about or at least didn't completely realize the bad parts of the playdate, and not that he's a glutton for punishment. I probably won't go out of my way to set another one up, but it was definitely an eye-opening experience at the very least.