The good, the bad, and the snuggly

While I know I am very blessed to be a stay at home mom, there are definitely certain challenges that I face on a daily basis. I am trying to reframe my thinking of some of these challenges so that I can be a happier mommy to be my two sweeties.

Bad: Snack prep
Good: Healthy eating

Food preparation is currently one of my least favorite things about mommyhood. I feel like I spend A LOT of time preparing, packing, fetching, and cleaning up snacks. Whenever I find a moment to sit down and relax a little, inevitably at least one kid will ask me to get them something to eat. The most frustrating thing, however, is that Violet especially never wants to eat what I have for her. Even if she asked for it in the first place! I was joking that I want to just pay my friends to bring snacks for us, because her favorite thing to eat is anything someone else has. I could have the exact same thing for her, and she'd reject it. At this point, the main reason I even bother bringing snacks anywhere at all is to assuage my conscience. At least I know I tried and I can feed my friends' kids if they want anything I have. I'm trying to tell myself that Violet's finickiness is a sign of a discerning and varied palate, and I'm glad that she doesn't gorge herself on any one thing. But seriously, girl, if I make something, it would be nice if you took a few more bites before asking for something else.

Bad: Poopy diapers
Good: Healthy digestive system

I guess it goes without saying that no one likes poopy diapers, but they are a sign of a healthy digestive system. We would all worry if our kids didn't dirty their diaper on a regular basis, so I guess that's what I have to keep reminding myself. Of course, Violet could wait to do her business until her dad is home, just to make life easier on her mom. It would also be helpful if she stopped shimmying her diapers all around so that they would actually fully contain said business and keep if off her clothes.

Bad: Thomas the Tank Engine
Good: A break for Mommy

I'm going to come right out and say it. I loathe Thomas the Tank Engine. I don't mind the toys so much, but the videos... ugh. The trains are constantly picking on each other and being mean to one another. There are a few nice engines, but they so rarely focus on them. The music gets on my nerves. There's too much peeping and whistling on the shows. They're annoying to hear from afar, and they're annoying to watch in full detail.

But Jack loves them. I feel this is the one licensed character universe in which he has totally immersed himself. I suspect that it's primarily because almost every train has a number. But he loves playing with the trains; he loves watching the movies. He has me read Thomas books all the time. The only things he ever draws, other than numbers, are trains. So it's really hard for me to tell him he can't ever watch them again. His interest in them affords me some much needed breaks throughout the day. In fact, a couple of days ago I woke up and was surprised to see that it was 9:00! I went downstairs to find that Jack had woken up an hour earlier, but he just occupied himself the entire time with his trains.

We do, however, talk about different episodes, about how this train or that one made a bad choice or wasn't being a kind friend. And I've told him that he absolutely cannot watch any Thomas episodes first thing in the morning. They just put him in a cranky frame of mind, and then he has a hard time getting along with his friends.

Bad: Temper
Good: Assertiveness

Jack's temper has been pretty well-documented, but Violet is starting to come into her own as well.Yesterday , we played with some friends at an indoor play place while Jack was at preschool. When it came time for us to leave to pick him up, she didn't want to go. Every time I said, "We have to go now," she balled her up her little fists, looked at me, and shrieked. I finally ended up having to pick her up while she threw herself back in my arms and screamed. I'm telling myself that it's good for girls especially to find and use their voices. She is pretty good about telling people "no" when they are getting to close to her or doing things she doesn't like. And she's still a breeze compared to Jack at this same age. But it was right around 18 months when Jack's difficult behavior really ramped up, so I'm trying to prepare myself.

Bad: Constantly nursing
Good: Bonding, burns calories

Oh, I'm really trying to find a positive in the fact that Violet is such a boob-aholic. It's hard to cut her off, especially because I went for two years with Jack, but I think she probably nurses even more than he did - which at the time I would not have believed was possible. I do like what an instant comfort it is for her; I just wish it wasn't such a constant one. I know that this is a unique period in both our lives. She is my last baby, and weaning her will mean the end of my nursing days forever. And I admit that nursing is keeping me thin with less effort than I would have to put forth otherwise. When the end finally does come, I know it will be bittersweet.

Bad: Still not sleeping through the night
Good: Nighttime cuddles

Violet is still not sleeping through the night. I don't have the stamina or discipline to enforce any sleep training. While I think I know that the cry it out method is probably mostly all right, sometimes I'm not entirely convinced that we didn't harm Jack in some way by going that route. I just don't want that doubt hanging over my head with Violet. If she cries in her crib, it's never more than for a few minutes. I'll try to let her settle down, but if she stands or sits up, I know that she won't fall asleep anyway. Plus, I don't want her crying to wake Jack in the middle of the night.

The upshot of all this, however, is that she ends almost every night in bed with me. We were so against co-sleeping with Jack, but we've done it almost from the beginning to some extent with Violet. I think it comes from having more confidence with the second one. I wasn't as nervous that she would suffocate on our mattress or that we would roll over on her. It's not, however, an ideal sleeping arrangement for me. I'm prone to insomnia and like to turn on a light and read if I can't sleep. I don't feel I can do that with the baby beside me.

Beyond that, both my kids are active in their sleep. Violet likes to be right up against me or on me at all times. If I move away, she somehow finds a way to get her head lodged up against my ribs or her feet kicking against my back. I don't know how awake she is when she does this, but she frequently climbs up my prone body and drapes herself over me. My baby never looks so tall as she does when she is stretched out on my bed, usually parallel to the headboard, while I am curled up in a tiny ball, clinging to the edge of my king sized mattress, hoping she doesn't somehow push me off.

Still, there are times when she nestles into the crook of my arm with her head on my shoulder and I can hold her in the exact same way I sometimes see Jack cuddling his Pooh bear in his sleep. Those are the times when she is so soft and comfortable and I feel I can do it forever.

Bad: They always want me
Good: They love me

As I've mentioned in several of my most recent posts, the kids are in an extraordinarily Mommy-oriented phase right now. As long as we are out and about and playing with friends, this usually isn't so bad. It's when we are home for long stretches of time that it starts to get to be a little overwhelming for me.

They always want me around them. If I have to leave the room for even a few moments to, say, go to the bathroom or walk into the kitchen to get them some food, my exit is always accompanied by one or both of them screaming, crying, or wailing my name. When their dad is home and I can get a little bit of a break, I sometimes feel like I have to run and hide from the kids. If they catch even so much as a glimpse of me, the crying for me starts up again.

I had to ask Jack to promise that he would stop clinging and begging me to stay when I dropped him off at preschool, because it was making me feel so sad. He's been much better, although now the wily little guy asks me to let Violet stay and play for a few minutes.

I don't know why they are so unable to entertain themselves more independently when we are at our house, but they just want to be held and paid attention to all the time. The only times I can get an uncomplaining break is when Violet is watching "Baby Signing Time" or Jack is watching his Thomas videos. Otherwise, Violet always wants to nurse and Jack always wants me to play games that he makes up with him. I wouldn't mind the game-playing normally, but the games that Jack makes up almost always involve dropping a marker on some target he has drawn on a piece of paper and assigned various points. It's not the most scintillating pastime, made even less so by the fact that he always wins. I guess it's good to be both the scorekeeper and rule arbiter of every game. It's less good to be the hapless opponent.

But I keep reminding myself that there will be a day when they run out the door to hang out with their friends without even saying goodbye, that I will look back on this time wistfully. I will miss the look of sheer joy that lights up Violet's face when she sees me walk into the room and yells, "Hi!!" to me. I'll miss these days when Jack randomly and frequently kisses me on the arm or the face or the cheek with absolutely zero embarrassment and without any prompting on my part. I'm sure I'll even miss his current nickname for me ("Great Moomy," which... really, Jack? you couldn't come up with something that sounds less bovine?). I hope neither of my children ever tells me they hate me, but if they ever do, I can remember this time when they loved me so much.

Every job has its ups and downs, its good days and its bad days. Being a stay at home mom is no different. But sharing every day - both good and less good - with my children is what I signed on for, what I always dreamed of doing. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.