My spirited child - part II

So where were we? Aah, yes...

* Perceptiveness/Distractibility - This has to do with how aware a child is of his or her surroundings. The challenge can be that young children who are highly perceptive are also highly distractible, because they aren't able to filter out the important stimuli from the relatively unimportant ones. A rock on the ground is likely to receive just as much attention as a parent making a request.

Jack is certainly very perceptive. Even when he was really young, I'd be driving down the freeway and hear him say, "Elmo!" My first reaction would be to tell him, "Elmo's not here, silly!" but then I'd look around, and there would be a billboard with a picture of Elmo coming up. I'd learned to spell or say in Spanish hot-button words when he's around, because if he hears certain things even in passing, he'll insist on having them. Words like "bubbles," "strawberries," "ice cream," etc., are all to be avoided unless I am willing to indulge his demands for them once he hears me say those words.

He is also very distractible. I've noticed in situations where there is a lot of stimulation, I often need to call his name repeatedly before he is aware that I am even speaking. Walking into the garage to get to the car often takes so much longer than I have patience for, because he notices the shovel over here or the cat over there.

I like to think he gets his perceptiveness from me and his distractibility from Tom. :)

* Adaptability - Adaptability is how quickly a child deals with changes to his environment or routine. And the answer for Jack is: not very quickly at all. Transitions are a big deal for him, and it's something we struggle with every day. In particular, I try to plan our days so there are as few transitions into and out of the car as possible. If we have more than a couple in and outs in one morning, Jack balks.

Transitions to naptime, bathtime, bedtime, getting dressed, and getting his diaper changed are all very difficult for us. Regarding bedtime in particular, I have read that we need to come up with a routine and stick to it. This really hasn't worked for us. Jack is totally hip to the program, so even when we are very early into our routine, he'll start protesting. He knows that storytime eventually leads to bedtime, so he wants nothing to do with storytime.

I think Jack gets this from both me and Tom. Neither of us like surprises. I think I can be a little more adventurous and impulsive than Tom, though, so I think the challenges with transitions may come more from Daddy.

Bonus qualities:

* Regularity - This is how regular a child is about eating times, sleeping times, amount of sleep, and other bodily functions. Jack has never really been regular about sleeping times, but we try to enforce a schedule that admittedly has lots of wiggle room built in. But basically we try to have him down to bed 12 hours after he wakes up in the morning plus any amount of time he naps. He constantly tries to push these limits, though. It's been hard to get him on a schedule, because pretty much any time we start to think he is establishing a routine, he changes on us.

* Energy - Jack is a pretty high energy boy, but I have seen kids more temperamentally energetic than him. While he rarely sits and plays for an extended period of time, he's also not constantly climbing on things and fidgeting all over the place. Thank goodness! I can usually rely on the fact that if I take my eyes off him for a minute, I know where he will be. (KNOCK WOOD.) But at the same time, he has a hard time sitting still in, say, church for more than a few minutes. And he's always talking. This is one of the reasons why I think he may have to wait until he's five going on six (he's a November baby) to start kindergarten. I'd say he is in the upper middle end of the spectrum here. But he definitely gets it from Tom or maybe my mom, not me.

* First reaction - This is how a child initially responds to new situations. Does he jump right in or hold back before participating? Does he comply with new requests pretty easily or immediately say no when asked to do something new? Jack definitely holds back a bit, and his first response is always "No!" when we ask him if he wants to do something, even if it is something we know that he will like. This is one of the reasons that I took such care to get Jack excited about Disneyland before we went. I knew that throwing him into it without any preparation would be too overwhelming for him and make for a very disappointing day. He definitely gets this from me.

* Mood - Is the child usually happy and positive or more serious, analytical, and negative? I think the jury is still out on this one. I feel that Jack is generally a pretty sunny, boisterous kid, but he definitely has his moments where he's feeling cantankerous and cranky. Tom tends to be more positive, and I tend to be more negative, so it'll be interesting to see where Jack lands on this one.

* Extrovert/Introvert - The last, actually first, temperament the author discusses is extroversion and introversion. I really am not sure which Jack is. He seems to be a lot more outgoing than either Tom or me, which we both find encouraging. But he has also lately started to exhibit a definite misanthropic streak. Often when we are out and about and he sees another child, the first thing he says is, "No that girl/boy/baby!" I think this is another one where the jury is still out.

So what do I do with my spirited child? One thing the author suggests that I have found helpful in dealing with both Jack's intensity and sensitivity is to talk with him about different scenarios that he's likely to encounter. For example, today we went to a birthday party where there were a lot of kids. In these situations, I know that Jack can tend to get overwhelmed. He often has a hard time sharing, and with so many children in such close quarters, he can start to feel crowded. When he does feel crowded, he usually screams or shoves to get the other kids to back away. So before the party, we talked about what might happen and what he could do to cope.

We tried to redirect his screaming behavior to something less frightening for other children, but it's his first reaction when he feels his personal space is being threatened. I think he finds it very difficult to not do. So now we're teaching him that, if he must scream, at least cover his mouth so it's not so loud. He's done this a few times, which is encouraging.

We also try to give him a place where he can have space of his own, so if he's feeling crowded or overwhelmed he can go there to cool off. We have a blanket that has rockets and planets on it, and we call it his "personal space blanket." He knows that he can sit on his blanket when he needs time away. We have taught him to back away if he's feeling crowded or to say, "Excuse me" or "No thank you." These last few lessons are still hard for him to put into practice when confronted with challenging situations. We did have a couple of screaming fits and one shoving incident at today's birthday party, but we try to tell ourselves that Rome wasn't built in a day.

The other thing I have found helpful is dealing with my own intensity and sensitivity. I can be a lot more empathetic and expect Jack to feel empathy with me when I tell him, "All the screaming is too much noise for Mommy. It's overwhelming to me, and Mommy needs to take a minute to calm down."

We've had a harder time dealing with transitions. I haven't really found the author's suggestions all that useful in this regard. She says that we should forewarn our child about upcoming transitions and to allow plenty of time for closure. I have done this to no avail. I feel I can give Jack all the time in the world to come to terms with the fact that it's bedtime or we have to leave the park or change his diaper, and he will still resist. Oh well, I guess we just keep on keeping on and hope things get better.

Basically my goal as a parent is to help Jack be able to successfully function in the world while still acknowledging the gifts and challenges that comes with being "spirited." I don't want him to suppress who he is, but I do want him to be able to express himself with tact and kindness, even when he is feeling overwhelmed by the world and other people. I want him to feel safe to be who he is when he's around us, but I also want him to know that his sensitivities, his reactions, and his impulses aren't the only ones that deserve consideration. It's something I personally struggle with often, but I hope that I can make it a little easier for him. I know that my spirited child will most likely grow up to be a spirited adult, but I want him to be a happy, kind, and successful one too.